Iron Chef #22 - Cheese Battle

Hideaki Otakura vs Iron Chef Rokusaburo Michiba
Iron Chef 1994 Episode 12 - Overall episode #022 - March 27th, 1994

The Chairman gazes intently at an outdated map centered on Italy. He likes to imagine a world where Yugoslavia didn't break up two years before this episode's airing and went on to win the next 30 gold medals in Men's Olympic basketball. He wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, takes a deep breath to center himself, and gets back to the task at hand: Carbo-loading.

The Chairman wants Italian food and doesn't want to waste time with a real introduction. Time to dial up his Pasta Daddy, who perhaps inspired by Little Italy, repeatedly gives his food the finger.

Meet the Challenger:

Hideaki Otakura

A specialist of Northern Italian cuisine, chef Otakura worked at Italian restaurants in Tokyo at age 19. At 24, he began six years of training in Milan under the painted ceilings of *Piccolo Padre*. He then went on to work at Seizo Mikuni's Yokohama *Excellent*, *Coast*, and Hotel Domikuni restaurants. Most recently, he returned to Japan and opened *La Colomba* ("The Dove") in Kudanshita in Chiyoda, Tokyo with a second location near Gotokuji Temple in Setegaya Ward, Tokyo.
A disciple of the Milan fashion houses (Armani, Prada, Versace, etc), Chef Otakura designs his own line of luxury chef wear monogrammed with his initials. Sales in the West have been disappointing.

Chef Otakura’s long strange viaggio has taken him from the the painted ceilings of Piccolo Padre to the haunted doorway of La Colomba, and finally the bedazzled freight elevator of Kitchen Stadium.

Challenger Otakura’s Sizzle Reel:

Double venison chop with grape sauce and pomegranate. This is the closest Iron Chef will approach Eastern Mediterranean / Southwest Asian cuisine until the Chairman becomes the world's most wanted saffron kingpin (1997-present).

Squab Taglione. I am impressed by chef Otakura's versatility with proteins. Venison (deer) and squab (pigeon) are both delectable (yumyum-in-my-tumtum).

Pepper Steak Fillet with Cream Sauce. Cream sauce so thick, a lonely rapper slid into its DMs.

Showdown:

This tug-of-war handshake would go on for 13-seconds. I decided to save your WiFi adapter the 20 MB it would take to contain that entire dance.

Challenger Otakura is cool as a carpaccio as he selects Iron Chef Japanese Rokusaburo Michiba with the casualness one reserves for the pistachio bucket at Ben & Jerry's. Iron Chef Michiba can't hear anything and you can't convince me otherwise.

Title Card:

Challenger Hideaki Otakura vs Iron Chef Japanese Rokusaburo Michiba!

The Chairman’s Fit:

Speaking of the Chairman's fit, I'm glad you asked

Today the Chairman is a Dickensian dandy who, once confronted with a puddle in his betrothed's path, did not hesitate for a second before laying down then nearest orphan for her to tread dryly across.

The Reveal:

Right-Click -> Save As… -> *“Desktop_Wallpaper.png”* -> Save. You’re welcome.

Only Iron Chef Japanese Rokusaburo Michiba knows what he did to offend the Chairman thusly. Why else would he, a techician of of fine-tuning traditional Japanese ingredients into playful dishes, be tasked to produce a multi-course feast of cheese against a challenger specializing in Italian cuisine? Can he serve five different katsus?
The last time Iron Chef Michiba experimented with cheese was during his only loss (Pork Battle). He vowed to abstain from cheese, reciting the vows of an devout and ordained Antilactite, and becoming a holy warrior for his order. Today's battle will test his skills as well as his beliefs.

The Chairman’s Wisdom

The Chairman has more than a pithy quote for us today. The reason there was no time for the introduction is because he wanted to take us on this excruciatingly lengthy curated tour of Italian cheeses and dishes they can be found in.

A - The Italian piedmont.
B - Cheeses and bottles strewn about like in an Elder Scrolls home.
C - Loaf of mozzarella.
D - Margherita Pizza feat. Big Mozzarella
E - Tub of mascarpone.
F - Tiramisu feat. DJ Mascarpone (Ramekin Remix)
G - Wedge of gorgonzola.
H - Alfredo feat. Gorgonzola x Freddie Gibbs
I - Wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano.
J - Carpaccio feat. Parmesan Funk
K - Cheeses and grapes strewn about like in a Baldur’s Gate home.
Profound.
I started work on this episode two months ago and each time I’d re-start, this is the point in the episode where I would decide to go do literally anything else in the world. We’ve exhausted 29% of this episode’s runtime (and 17% of my year) and the cuisine hasn’t yet been allez’d. Speaking of which, let’s get to the actual battle without further delay.

Allez! Cuisine!:

A measured start by both competitors for different reasons. Challenger Otakura is too cool to break a sweat or bend his knees. Iron Chef Michiba because he old.

In the Booth:

Play-by-Play Kenji Fukui (right) and Color Commentator Dr. Yukio Hattori (left).

Fukui: Iron Chef Michiba is credited for introducing cheese to Japan. How is that possible?
Dr. Hattori: This is actually true. He did so in 645 CE, returning from his travels in the Baekje Empire during his youth as a palace courtesan. Same outfit.
Fukui: Right you are, Doc! He old!

The Battle:

Challenger Otakura: Yeah, I'll go for the Gorgonzola. No big deal.
Iron Chef Michiba: *brainstorming*
Challenger Otakura: Blue cheeses can be difficult to work with. Well of course *you* know that.
Iron Chef Michiba: *ideating*
Challenger Otakura: Yeah, it takes a real professional to make an ingredient like this sing.
Iron Chef Michiba’s Portrait: *premeditating*

The Iron Chef begins scripting out his menu in calligraphy. Today it reads *"Cheese + Hot = Runny. Cheese + Wallet = Money. Cheese + Uranium-235 = ??? (Awaiting Results)."*

A classic baked brie with honey by challenger Otakura. It's easy and delicious. This quantity is about $50 of brie and $20 of honey, so the cashier is obliged to give you a complimentary bottle of Barefoot rosé.

Iron Chef Michiba begins his signature Broth of Vigor, a katsuobushi dashi made with a station-wagon full of dried bonito flakes. Cheese ramen would be the logical choice. Logic being the prevailing force in an environment wherein costumed Japanese men cook cheese for Dracula.

The challenger scores a duck breast, which could be paired with the strongest cheese available: Gorgonzola. The strongest cheese in general is, of course, the Chairman's *Formaggio Segreto* and it is only in season when river otters are.

Challenger Otakura finds a whole venison loin and he intends to use 1% of it. That is $200 in 2024 US dollars, which means in 1994 it was six chickens, 14 cowrie shells, and a month of indentured servitude.

Challenger Otakura makes thin slices out of the ivenison loin and then splats it into Carpaccio with a bottle of Salsa di Barbecue. Pro move.

The Iron Chef mixes mascarpone into katsuobushi dashi for the first time in recorded human history, a trait our inheritors will use to distinguish us from other primates.

Back in the realm of extant foods, Challenger Otakura begins work on a tomato salad. If you were hoping for a handmade pasta, let me stop you right there. This man is about to make some mozzarella sticks. No, for real.

Mrs. Otakura’s face is painted with a familiar aguish. *I remember when he stole my heart with mozzarella sticks… and then when he broke it with loaded potato skins.*

Iron Chef Michiba predictably opts for seafood as his first protein. In another first, he’ll make the world's first crab rangoon containing actual crab. This is a man concerned about his legacy. FYI, The retirement tour begins next season.

In yet another unprecedented move, the Iron Chef touches a tomato. In an early Michiba biography (*The Tale of Genji*) it is stated he believes tomatoes only exist to make Italian food wet.

Iron Chef Michiba’s cheese soup is bubbling in a cauldron. This started as a katsuobushi dashi and ended up as a compost vat for all the cheeses available (mascarpone, cream cheese, brie, gorgonzola). I… I can’t look at this. I need to scroll down.

The Iron Chef pan-fries large blocks of tofu for his third dish. He gave the tofu a quick dab with a paper towel before placing them in the hot oil. This is because his Chairman-provided health insurance does not cover skin grafts (and the co-pay is taken in blood).

The Challenger drops in wedges of brie, one-by-one. He watches each slowly melt into the featureless beige dip and homogenize completely before wiping a tear from the corner of his eye and repeating the process. He does not have to do it this way, but after the third wedge it became clear how wrong I was. I am brie. You are brie. We are all brie, and together... we are this hot mess.

Iron Chef Michiba's pan-roasted tofu is topped with scallops, cream cheese, and an akamiso-and-egg sauce in preparation for the broiler. You already know he’s going to call this stuff-on-a-shingle a “pizza.”

Challenger Otakura finishes his skin-side down pan-roasted duck breasts in the oven skin-side up. He then sampled seven different bottles of wine to pair with the duck, fell asleep, and then found his phone in the rice cooker. *Not again! I’ve got to lay off the duck.*

The Challenger hosts a Real-Time-Strategy battle on the Carpaccio map. Though the gorgonzola units are quickly tanking through the black olive rush, the outcome will hinge on the capture of strategic olive oil and sea salt resources.

With 10 minutes remaining in the battle, Iron Chef Michiba puts three avocados and a whole bottle of kewpie mayonnaise into a food processor. That bowl contains 4,050 calories and 423 grams (0.93 lbs) of fat *before cheesification*.

Challenger Otakura’s mozzarella sticks are getting a last-minute dredge before deep frying. I dismissed these a mozzarella sticks, and will continue to have fun with that, but this is a legitimate Italian dish of Mozzarella en Carrozza. It’s delicious and I want some now.

The Iron Chef's avocado-mayo mixture is blended with mascarpone and gorgonzola to, you know, lighten it up. This ectoplasm can be used as a spread, a dressing, or to make repulsive candles.

Iron Chef Michiba's Slimer-sauce is powerful enough to tie in three wildly disparate ingredients: king crab, broccoli, and preserved duck egg. Pretty much anything you dip into it is going to taste like Chipotle's garbage disposal in the best possible way.

The Iron Chef’s bubbling cauldron of dried-fish stock and cheese has onions, beef, broccoli, eye of newt, etc. The climax of the episode will be if this is served to judges as a hot pot eaten with a spoon (nabe) or dipped-and-swished (shabu-shabu). If it is the former, I will be simultaneously awed and disgusted in a way that I imagine experiencing *Borderlands* on IMAX would be like.

The Judges’ Table(s):

Kimono designer Kiyohiko (4 battles).
Today the stoic Kiyohiko is played by a particularly symmetrical wheel of Swiss cheese.

Actress Mai Kitajima (9 battles).
Absurd. T.B.C. is just a fairy tale parents tell their children to warn them about the dangers of usury. Do you really think Judge Kitajima would be here, at *this* battle, if she were The Big Cheese? Ridiculous. Now run along.

Rosanjin scholar Masaaki Hirano (42 battles).
If you don’t think there is a half-eaten Polly-O String Cheese in that man’s breast pocket, you don’t know Judge Hirano.

Dishes:

Challenger Otakura completes three dishes:

Challenger Otakura’s first dish:
Venison Carpaccio with Gorgonzola

As evidenced by his sizzle reel, Challenger Otakura is familiar with venison. He becomes the first chef in Kitchen Stadium to select this protein, likely because the Chairman just planted azaleas and is taking no chances. Otherwise, it is a pretty standard carpaccio with black olives, chives, olive oil, nuggets of gorgonzola, and shaved parmesan. This is a strong starting course from La Colombian, receiving praise from La Kentuckian (Judge Hirano).
Hold on to your LAP-band. This raw deer with cheese will be the lightest dish served today.

Challenger Otakura’s second dish:
Fried Mozzarella Cold Tomato Salad

Wazzzup, welcome to Guy Fieri's Flavortown Kitchen! If you scan the QR code on your complementary wallet-chain, there is a "Healthy Bitezzzz" selection of salads on our menu featuring our famous mozarella sticks on a tomato, buffalo wings on a broccoli, and of course a beer cheese pub purger on another burger (but *that* burger has pickles). It costs $2 to remove the salad.
Jokes aside, the judges are into it. Iron Chef isn't the culinary Ivory Tower I often portray it to be. Good food wins points, and Mozzarella en Carrozza are undeniably delicious especially the later at night it is. Nobody is touching that pumice stone broccoli, no matter what time it is.

Challenger Otakura’s third dish:
Roast Duck with Brie Sauce

This unnecessarily slow melting of brie and honey took as long to prepare as the wonderfully cooked duck. The duck breast was pan roasted (skin down) then oven roasted to finish (skin up) for a perfect cook. The brie sauce, however, seems to be seizing up and is starting to look plastic as the dish cools. Fortunately, he will serve the judges before the Iron Chef.
This was a strong finish for the challenger. Judge Kiyohiko is ready to go to sleep and he has the Iron Chef’s four-course calorie bomb remaining. We’re going to need a bigger kimono.

Iron Chef Michiba completes four dishes:

Iron Chef Michiba’s first dish:
Cheese Avocado Salad

This is the most Iron Chef Michiba dish Chef Michiba could Michiba. Food inside peel. Superfluous caviar. Color stacking. King crab. The only uncharacteristic ingredient is the preserved duck egg, whose funk will be tamed by the avocado-mayo-cheese sauce.
The judges are in agreement that this was great and also agree that literally everything can be called a salad. Pizza? Tomato salad. Neopolitan ice cream? Strawberry salad. Vodka? Potato salad.

Iron Chef Michiba’s Second Dish:
Cheese Spring Rolls

This is Iron Chef Michiba's second crab and cheese dish of the episode (and third of his career). It is a luxury crab rangoon actually containing real crab. The mozzarella provides a worthy substitute for cream cheese, or anything, or anyone (legacy salads, sick teachers, power forwards in foul trouble, etc). Though the Iron Chef didn't roll out these spring roll wrappers, he did doctor them up with various colorful ingredients like nori and matcha powder. These crab rangoons will never see a buffet tray.
We have our first "oishi" from Judge Kitajima. All the Iron Chef needs to do is knock out a conservative dish or two and he's got this victory secured...

Iron Chef Michiba’s third dish:
Tofu Pizza

The Rebel is formenting fermenting a rebellion. What Taco Bell did for "Mexican Pizza" is what Iron Chef Michiba is doing for "Tofu Pizza." Not only introducing a new food concept (which the Iron Chef managed to do without associating it with an old culture), but also doing so in a way that is worse than the sum of its parts. Those parts include: Scallops, cream cheese, and red-miso sauce. Trader Joes is going to replace the miso with sweet-and-sour sauce, call this *Emperor’s Pizza* or *Tofu Marco Polo*, and sell it for $12.99. It'll be fine because the font looks like letters formed with chopsticks. Totally cool.

Nobody wants to be the first one to try this “pizza.”

Iron Chef Michiba’s fourth dish:
Cheese Hot-Pot

Iron Chef Michiba creates a nabemono by way of Zurich. What results is part sukiyaki, part shabu-shabu, and overwhelmingly cheese. The hot-pot contains everything in the Iron Chef's reach: Broccoli, clams, onions, beef, etc. The "base," if you can call it that, is all of the cheese. He wasn't even looking at labels before dunking them into the katsuobushi magma. We know there is brie, gorgonzola, and cream cheese. There is likely some cooking alcohol (mirin, sake, or wine), but only the Iron Chef's flask knows which one. The judges proceed to eat it like soup, with a spoon, unsure if they are being pranked.
Cheese and shellfish have long been embraced by rebels who just want to see the world burn, and Iron Chef Michiba is rebel supreme. This blog is to provide information about the television show *Iron Chef* and in no way condones nor is affiliated with insurgency movements depicted on the program. I believe in separation of cheese and shellfish in all matters excluding white clam pizza, like any reasonable adult.
This battle will be close. Initially it appeared that the challenger would not have the quantity of dishes to defeat a locked-in Iron Chef Michiba. Fortunately for challenger Otakura, the Iron Chef was feeling a little loosey-goosey today and ended his meal with two wildcard calorie bombs. The judges seem to be preferential to the Iron Chef’s early courses and the Challenger’s entrée. Let’s see who they crowned victorious.

Whose cuisine reigns supreme?!

Iron Chef Michiba gets the win in his toughest battle this season! The Iron Chef had the deck stacked against him, having to defeat a challenger specializing in Northern Italian cuisine in a cheese battle. Iron Chef Michiba, the least likely of the Iron Chefs to utilize cheese, nonetheless persevered his way to four playful dishes. He wasn’t perfect, plopping down four-digit calorie dishes like a stinky hail-storm, but he didn’t have to be.

Challenger Otakura should be commended for his performance today. If this were a Food Network competition he would be praised for "representing his culinary viewpoint" which is what judges say when a chef cooks what they were trained to cook and all the big words were taken by Ted Allen. The challenger presented three solid dishes (carpaccio, sticks, and duck) without a major misstep. How was he to know the Iron Chef was going to create four new Wikipedia pages in one battle?

Episode notes:

My favorite dish was Iron Chef Michiba's crab spring rolls. These elevated rangoon are just accessible enough to try to make at home. A single crab leg meerus-section could make multiple dumplings, so it won’t necessarily blow the budget.
This is the only cheese battle in the 295 battles of Iron Chef Japan. For comparison, 3.4% of all Iron Chef America battles used cheese as the theme ingredient (10x that of Iron Chef Japan).
The next episode is the thirteenth of 1994, and 23nd overall - the long overdue Battle Rice.
Update: Unfortunately, the Chairman has erased all footage of this particular Rice Battle from existence a la Star Wars Holiday Special. The battle allegedly showcased Iron Chef Michiba defeating challenger Koichiro Goto. One can only assume whale sashimi was involved. We’ll jump ahead to the fourteenth episode of 1994, and 24th overall - Battle Bamboo Shoots!